Random Acts of Stupidity

I am a cheap bastard. Any one who knows me will tell you the same. I love companies that give me a value sale or pre-owned sale. I can capitalize on that few dollars I saved for a burrito, or like a toothless handjob behind the Super K. I am also pretty economic when it comes to the gaming industry, so when I heard about this I nearly crapped a marmot.

Apparently, there has been a battle going on behind the scenes dealing with pre-owned games and software. Some of the major game companies are looking to get you to pay again after having bought a pre-owned game.

http://games.slashdot.org/story/10/02/19/0715259/Sony-Joins-the-Offensive-Against-Pre-Owned-Games

This is a glaring poke in the eye to gamers like me. Games are already dramatically over priced. Most of which now come with DLC and expansions to help broaden the gaming experience. However, if gaming software and console/hand held games are license protected, it means that most likely they will be registered to your unique machine or account, and not your copy of the disk. Something akin to the licenses on anti-virus and software suites such as Office and Photoshop. This would be such a mighty pain in the ass.

People like me saw this coming with services like GFWL or Steam. Having to register with a secondary service to verify CD keys or for DLCs, is like having a license to shop between and your grocer. I can go get a peach off the tree, or I can buy one in the store. However, the store has a legal right to tell me that I need to pay for the peach, and then pay again for the right to use that peach somewhere other than my home. We won’t even get in to what happens if I want to make a fucking pie. Damn Rage and his pies.

On top of all this, some companies have started an entrapment scheme to try and catch people torrenting the software. They seed files of their own games and monitor the downloader. A German man was sued for having mistakenly downloaded a film which was under a misleading title. The company that made the film used a proxy company that posted and hosted the download to catch issues like this very thing. I doubt it would fly under criminal law in the U.S., but it would most likely fly under civil law, which is where the money is.

Also, with merchandising and other media, the companies involved in this are the biggest in the industry. EA, Sony, etc. are trying to turn all of their games into revenue generating machines that can kick back a license fee or a re-registration fee on pre-owned copies. It would be like paying ticket price for watching a movie you have on DVD, every time you put it in a new player.

This policy is both brilliant and plain greedy, and in the con world we would call it a protection scheme. You pay a company to use something you already own or a bunch of men show up, break your software, search your computer, and milk you for thousands of dollars legally. Let the buyer beware. I didn’t know the mob had gotten into gaming. I would’ve been all over that; and left a decapitated Goomba head in someone’s bed, or Bob-omb in someone’s car, Don Mario style.

Brak

This week, we get into part 2 of out repetitive games list. These are the worst offenders, which is sad, as many of them are great games. They are:

5. The Metroid Series
I loved Super Metroid. Loved it like a brother I did. I loved Metroid Prime as well. However, these games have you backtrack constantly for this power up or that energy tank. Very linear, even in a fully realized 3D. And The scanning… sweet God in heaven, the scanning. I am a super bad ass space merc, not head photographer for Panels and Keyboards Monthly. Then, what did they do? They went and made 3 more games EXACTLY like the first. The original games in this line defined what a boss fight is supposed to be, and now, they have become so formulaic that It has stopped being a challenge.

4. Command and Conquer
RTS games are the bastions of people who like familiarity and form. I have enjoyed quite a few of them. Some change with time, some just go away. Command and Conquer on the other hand, lingers on like that one spiteful old relative who refuses to die no matter how much cyanide you spoon in to their mashed peas. It has been the same formula, the same resource, mine, kill, repeat system since I was in middle school. This is the introduction most people have to RTS and its no wonder this genre is waiting for a saving pass from Blizzard. This game also has a special kind of failure for having used FMV’s in their previous games. Michael Irornside, you knew better, damn it.

3. Music Games
DDR, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, DJ Hero, etc. These games make you buy instruments and track packs to play music you should have had the good sense to pirate. They use song lists and arrows to guide you through some Emo-addled developer’s guide of the rise to stardom. Loud, simplistic enough for just about anyone to play, and mind numbingly boring. These games are the perfect definition of wasted time and wasted money. DDR gets a slight pass for making gamers get off their butts, and sweat a bit. Its also funny as hell to watch a 400 pound man score double a’s on dropout in expert, kinda looks like you hit an epileptic with a cattle prod.

2. Pokemon
Everyone who didn’t at one time play these games can skip this part. However, no one will, because everyone did. These addictive little genetic mistakes are here to take your time, your money, and your ability to reproduce with someone who isn’t cos-playing as Nurse Joy. They have repacked, reinvented, reintroduced and re-branded this series so many times I doubt it holds and serious connection to the games we grew up with. It shambles on, bereft of redeeming value simply because every generation that leaves it behind is succeeded by one that has just picked it up. Also, I hate Mudkip.

1. The Legend of Zelda
I will be put to death for saying it, but we all know it’s the truth. You get the bombs in the fire place, you get the fins or water breathing in the water place. Hit it three times to kill it. The last boss will always be Ganon. Mirrors reflect light and energy bolts. Pillars move when you push them, ice slides till it hits a wall. These rules were written in stone and tedium when gaming was young. Link shoots, stabs, and bombs his way through his world and nary ever spills a drop of blood. Nor does he speak. Nor does he ever make apologies for breaking that big urn we kept your grandfathers ashes in. I have sailed, ridden, shot and battled in every single one of these games and though I never felt I’d be saying this, it has gotten frightfully old.
——————————————————————-
That’s it. I’m done with this now. I won’t ever do this top 10 thing again. Mostly, just because I hate David Letterman

PS. I will say that while I do find these games do the same things over and over, they have also found a market that will accept them. Without appropriate feedback, I can’t blame a company for doing what they know works. I can, however, blame artists and concept people who let good game play suffer to the benefit of the bottom dollar. We decide what works and what doesn’t in gaming, not the suits.

Peace,
Brak

Rage [RAOS]: So as many people may or may not know Dawn of War 40,000 is a popular RTS series that’s based on an equally popular tabletop RPG of the same name. The game takes place in a universe constantly at war, and is populated by Space Marines, Orks, and Insect like creatures called Tyrannids. In this installment, Dawn of War 2, you command the role of a Blood Raven Force Commander who must lead his troops into battle after battle in a struggle to combat the enemies of man.
Rage [RAOS]: dunno what happened, who cares… there’s the set up though

Brak [RAOS]: Ok.

Rage [RAOS]: So how did you feel about the overall Impact of the game?

Brak [RAOS]: Well, I’ve known about the warhammer series for some time. You can’t walk into a comic book or tabletop games store without seeing the iconic statuettes. I flt, really, that the game did a great job of translating the image from tabletop and comic to PC.
Brak [RAOS]: Felt*

Rage [RAOS]: I did too, it’s really cool to be able to back up all of these cool characters and locales from the games, into the tabletop series, and the plethora of books, and other material that comes with it. So it immediately does a really good job of pulling you into the 40k universe, and making it seem beliveable.

Brak [RAOS]: The over the top quality of the game lends it to a more fantastic ideal. Which really fit. I mean, you watch your armored soldiers take on huge mechanical robots and giant Tyranid monsters and at times, walk away without so much as a shove in return.

Rage [RAOS]: I really thought the sound was amazing too… at times, there was so much going on, that I would have thought I wouldn’t be able to hear my units or that they would get bogged down with the sound of combat but the game did a really great job of balancing the default sound levels to the point where no matter what was happening I always felt in control.
Rage [RAOS]: which is a lot more than I can say for some games like starcraft, and command and conquer

Brak [RAOS]: Especially in Co=Op, you’ve got alot of things goin on all at once, and it never gets buzzy or hard to understand. The objectives are clear, easy to accomplish and well displayed, and I really can’t say enough for good map interfaces. They can kill or save a game.
Brak [RAOS]: I also liked that though the aliens were fantasy creatures, they did a good job of making it look and feel spacy. Like the trunk of a 75 Caddy. Built for comfort, not for speed.

Rage [RAOS]: So let’s get into the meat and taters of this bad boy. And talk about gameplay, and the way the game is structured…
Rage [RAOS]: I really liked the idea of getting rid of building, and resource gathering. I know a lot of people want me lynched for saying that, but if more RTS games got rid of that aspect, I think there would be more breathing room for actual strategy

Brak [RAOS]: I agree totally

Rage [RAOS]: and I feel like DOW2 did a remarkable job of pulling that off

Brak [RAOS]: I’ve always hated the tedious wasted idea of mining or farming. I’m a giant fucked up space hero. I don;t build farms. I burn them and eat the pigs with my burining fire bqqcannon
Brak [RAOS]: I had really abandonded rts up to this. I had been an old hand at them before, but the interfaces did a poor job of effectively communicating my commands to my troops. I think this game did an amazing job at desinging an easy, clear HUD and Ops controls.

Rage [RAOS]: The other thing that was very awesome was the way the game seemed to be an RPG built around an RTS and not the other way around. You had these heroes, that you could take from battle to battle, and really felt rewarded when you found specific items that improved their abilities, or unlocked that next tier of weapons, etc.

Brak [RAOS]: Our example was in our dual co-op playthrough, we got handed relatively low leveled gear for our characters, but we used te skillsets we had and used it to achieve near master scores.
Brak [RAOS]: which felt awesome.

Rage [RAOS]: In that same vein I think the game could have improved on the item system

Brak [RAOS]: I agree
Brak [RAOS]: I found the ability to switch out items a simple progressive line. No room for customization. I would have liked a more developed skill tree with some more passive skill or item slot expantions.
Brak [RAOS]: Also, on a cons note, I would say that the diolouge in loadout menus got a bit tedious at times. It sounds like old nam vets going on about the rate of syphilis in Danang at others. Its plot heavy and kinda boring after a while.
Brak [RAOS]: I think this game could be really well served by an expantion or DLC that allows you to play through random combinations of terrain and enemies to reach certain levels or ranks.

Rage [RAOS]: the inclusion of a forge or a weapons cache that could incrementally acquire more gear would have been nice. or just the ability to earn cash and buy wargear. I never really had too much to gripe about except that. The random item drops are atrocious, and some of the gear is just downright pathetic. And yet at subsequent playthroughs, it was completely overpowered. I have no idea what any of that is based on either, as it seems as random as the service times at Mc Donalds.

Brak [RAOS]: Mcdonalds, soon serving soylent burger! With soylent special sauce

Rage [RAOS]: If they clear anything up for me, I hope it’s that. Otherwise I felt like the game itself was fairly solid. And huzzah and kudos to the co op system for not once making me feel like I was out of options for how I wanted to play regardless of what my teammate was doing. It was a pleasant surprise to have the system built like a trading card game, so that it took away any potential for battles of who gets who or anything of the sort

Brak [RAOS]: Yeah, distance only became an issue a few times. It didn’t require alot of practice before you could pull off flanking and strategic moves in unison.
Brak [RAOS]: I liked how resources never really became a problem.
Brak [RAOS]: I didn’t like however, that my most powerful attacks were limited to one or two a senario. I felt it should have been a replenished item like anything else. I could see how that would lead to imbalancing issues.

Rage [RAOS]: that was one aspect I did like. I felt like that lent itself to further playthroughs, just to see what I could have done different, or to try out a different style of play. And it didn’t feel cheap or gimped. It did feel balanced. So yeah I like the tease.
Rage [RAOS]: So was it enough for you? Or did the game come up short?
Rage [RAOS]: I mean I personally liked the length

Brak [RAOS]: well, I liked the length, and seeing as how I got it on sale through steam, I feel it was well priced. I don;t know if I would feel that way had I bought it when it came out.

Rage [RAOS]: Ditto
Rage [RAOS]: I don’t think there was enough mission variety to justify the 50 dollar price point

Brak [RAOS]: I have to admit too, the DLC is kinda whimpy.
Brak [RAOS]: its a poor showing on THQ’s part as this game has a massive following

Rage [RAOS]: While I haven’t played around with it enough. I think it’s also really cool of them to not fall into this pattern of paid DLC, which I think is a slippery slope
Rage [RAOS]: free is free
Rage [RAOS]: so if it sucks, at least it was free

Brak [RAOS]: I like that, yeah
Brak [RAOS]: More than I can say about borderlands, which I also believe is THQ

Rage [RAOS]: no that’s 2k

Brak [RAOS]: right.
Brak [RAOS]: edit
Brak [RAOS]: I haven’t gotten into the multiplayer as much yet, but it seems pretty on par with the rest of the game.
Brak [RAOS]: Overall I was very glad I bought it.

Rage [RAOS]: I like that the game gives you a reason to come back, if only to experience a different character build, and I like the thought that your character will carry on into the next expansion, so the replay value for once, might just exceed the base product itself. But at the same time some improvements to the base like the already discussed item drops, and the lack of mission variety toward the end keep me from saying it’s perfect. But also, this one is definitely revolutionary if only because I’m sick of harvesting crystals or gas, or oil, or whatever the fuck, and thank god this did away with all that bullshit.

Brak [RAOS]: Indeed
Brak [RAOS]: OH
Brak [RAOS]: and

Rage [RAOS]: It feels like the first RTS that actually forced you to be strategical
Rage [RAOS]: and not just the fastest resource hog

Brak [RAOS]: Escort missions. I hate escort missions, and this game had zero which made me very happy.

Rage [RAOS]: Overall, I think it’s definitely worth the current asking price of 29.99 on Steam, and if you can get it cheaper than that, you’re making out like a bandit. But be prepared to be hit with two online activations with Steam, and GFWL as they’re both required.

Brak [RAOS]: So, Final Thoughts?

Rage [RAOS]: It’s the coolest game I’ve played that featured a chainsword. AND it’s pretty amazing that your character will transfer over into the new expansion. The game, now is a steal, especially with all the additions since it’s release, and there’s some exceptional replay value. But don’t expect to get all the items you want the first time around.
Rage [RAOS]: In numbers, I give it 20,000 tortured Ork souls. Because that’s how many Ork skulls my chainsword carved open.

Brak [RAOS]: I loved the game and all its techomystical armored goodness. I Will buy the EXP and try out the sequels as well. I kicked ass and took names and I stenciled those names in the blood of the infidels who opposed me and my Emperor. I give this game TWO FISTS RASED TO THE TRIUMPH OF THE EMPEROR!!!

Brak [RAOS]: Come back next week, when we explore borderlands inner child, and why that child is a violent man who hurts animals in the dark.

Rage [RAOS]: Damn straight, and we’ll find out why grenades are so damn useless in that game!

Brak [RAOS]: Useless grenades are like…well they taste like failure and look like shmultz.

Brak and Rage

The technical definition of insanity is doing the same thing in repetition and expecting different results each time. Gaming companies call this idea continuity. Games that have a long standing history of building on mechanics and game play progressively are also the ones that stand running the risk of getting stale. There are several examples of this formulae in practice:

10. Koei – Dynasty Heroes
This one is a no brainer. Literally. These games could be played by a person with the mental acuity of a Toaster, and that’s saying a lot because my toaster knows when to stop. The same, redundant, smashing and slashing attacks will fell whole armies. Your armor is made of super ultra asian-tainium. You have magic farts the blow your opponents away and you rush in to lines of archers who couldn’t hit a Rhino with a rhino seeking missile launcher. Every entry is almost exactly like this.

9. EA – Madden Football
I hate sports games. However, no matter how many times they remake this game, or how much bonus material they add to it, its still only friggin football. You can make your own team of roided out idiots to smash your opposition. There is no tool for designing your own Superbowl commercials. I add this game to the list for 2 reasons. One, it is really the same game, made over again once every year with new names and that’s it. Duce, John Madden has the most annoying voice I’ve ever heard, and every time I see or hear him I want to go after my eyes with a grapefruit spoon.

8. Squaresoft – Final Fantasy
This is the most successful series of RPGs on earth. AS far as I’m concerned, this long running franchise of games has far, far, outlived its ability to be enjoyed. VII is a great game, and was original as hell. The six games since have been fan pandering. It is a necrotic series for all gamingdom, because it continues to be supported by a fanatical group of people willing to settle for mediocrity. Oh, and if they put one more devil may care pretty boy with deep emotional issues in as the lead character, the elder gods will arise and eat them all, summoned by me. I keep the materia in my colon.

7. Capcom – Street Fighter
Is it sad that I learned how to do a hadouken before I knew what my dick was for? Ryu and Ken have fought each other in 20+ games, each in the same torn uniforms. I jumped over it then, and I jump over then now. I still play them from time to time, for nostalgia. Each game has the same, block/dodge/strike idea. Most people that I talk to about games haven’t figured out that Street fighter is a visual interface for a hyped up rock paper scissors engine. There is also, a special kind of hell for people who spam the psycho-crusher. It has a demon that looks like Ryan Seacrest, he forces you to do taxes and grade 5th grade science papers.

6. Any Anime Baised RPG
.Hack, Wild Arms, Persona. These games are destined for the value bins at your local games monger. They all suffer from relatively the same problems, which is why they are lumped together. These titles all pale in comparison to the massive, retardiculous crap pile formed by every single Dragon Ball title. I watched DBZ as a kid. What normal, hetero-sexual, male didn’t get involved with it at some point in the 90’s? Lastly, I’ll say this, Dragon Ball is the re-imagined folk tale from China about the monkey king. Its also possibly the biggest cultural insult to the Chinese I’ve ever seen.
P.S What does Goku from Japan have to do with Futbol from Mexico?

5 through 1 to be posted next week. Cause I’m lazy. Thats why.

!Brak!

Brak [RAOS]: I return
Brak [RAOS]: i got a nice deal on a logitech

Rage [RAOS]: cool
Rage [RAOS]: mark mcgwire is an asshole

Brak [RAOS]: the old base ball player?

Rage [RAOS]: yeah
Rage [RAOS]: that faggot just came out and goes
Rage [RAOS]: hey guys

Brak [RAOS]: yeah

Rage [RAOS]: guess what
Rage [RAOS]: i used steroids
Rage [RAOS]: thanks for all the records though

Brak [RAOS]: lol

Rage [RAOS]: and the millions of dollars

Brak [RAOS]: no shit he usd steroids

Rage [RAOS]: and the trust of a nation
Rage [RAOS]: and nevermind that i lied in front of congress
Rage [RAOS]: and sold other people out

Brak [RAOS]: he could have just kept his yap shut
Brak [RAOS]: wow
Brak [RAOS]: what a giant dickface

Rage [RAOS]: yeah like 3 or 4 yrs ago there was the whole investigation thing
Rage [RAOS]: that fuckbasket accused everyone else
Rage [RAOS]: in front of congress

Brak [RAOS]: I remember that yeah

Rage [RAOS]: goddamn

Brak [RAOS]: thick necked son of a bitch

Rage [RAOS]: at this point it’s like why dont we just have an all drugs olympics?

Brak [RAOS]: I hope he gets johnson cancer

Rage [RAOS]: his records should be taken away, or let everyone use drugs all the time
Rage [RAOS]: make a separate league for it

Brak [RAOS]: lol, the juicer leauge
Brak [RAOS]: this is why we need to work on robot baeball
Brak [RAOS]: baseball
Brak [RAOS]: so do you want to do some warhammer

Rage [RAOS]: maximum robo baseball 2099

Brak [RAOS]: yep

Rage [RAOS]: lmfao
Rage [RAOS]: oh god
Rage [RAOS]: that tickles me

Brak [RAOS]: cleeborg “son of a pitching machine 2.o” maxwells legendary not hitter.

Rage [RAOS]: with robot baseball cap and all
Rage [RAOS]: im gonna cry from laughing

Brak [RAOS]: lol

Rage [RAOS]: and he hasn’t gotten a hit in ever
Rage [RAOS]: in ever dan
Rage [RAOS]: you’ve got to think with other robots in the leagues that have arms why do they stick with tank track mcguillicuttie?

Brak [RAOS]: now up to the plate is Remington Cajverz, The son of a south american sheep sheerer, he was made when a crazy mechanic fell in love with his shop vac and through some magical process one could call alchemical, this titan of sport is here before us today.

Rage [RAOS]: uh oh it looks like one of the outfielders has developed sentience and needs to be put down! that’s gonna be a devastating blow for the cincinatti circuit boards.

Brak [RAOS]: Oh just a horrible turn of events, cotton.

Rage [RAOS]: lol

Brak [RAOS]: I remember the great Bsod of 2085 cotton, what a scene. Robot parts flying everwhere, a malajusted hassid with a blowtorch and an eye for freeform sculpture…just utter pandamonium contton, sheer bedlam.

Rage [RAOS]: and that’s why tonights game is brought to you by killzax robot separators! when your robot gets uppity, get it done right, get a killzax, and by electricity, because without it, these robots would die!

Brak [RAOS]: hahaha they sure would
Brak [RAOS]: they’d be about as useless as miss unverise’s malformed chernobyl style thumb re-attatchment kits.

Rage [RAOS]: sweet jesus I think we found the game we need to make on steam

Brak [RAOS]: Miss universe, for everyday on every planet.

Rage [RAOS]: and we need to be the commentators

Brak [RAOS]: yep.
Brak [RAOS]: Johnny all thumbs McKyto, he’s really all thumbs…no really!
Brak [RAOS]: Oh dude

Rage [RAOS]: si?

Brak [RAOS]: The robot world series where the losing team is turned into shoe buffers at the end.

Rage [RAOS]: or pepsi cans

Brak [RAOS]: pepsi cans. perfect.
Brak [RAOS]: and they can be like different kinds of robots, one team from like england would be all steampunk

Rage [RAOS]: lol yeah

Brak [RAOS]: the japanese team would be gundam

Rage [RAOS]: lol yes!
Rage [RAOS]: that is so awesome

Brak [RAOS]: the french team are all like repurposed agriculture equipment

Rage [RAOS]: we should just write the game, and the dialogues and all that, and find a team
Rage [RAOS]: dude
Rage [RAOS]: thats it!

Brak [RAOS]: yeah man.

Rage [RAOS]: we need to use our clan powers, and lurking powers to assemble a steamforge team

Brak [RAOS]: I think thats the game we need to make

Rage [RAOS]: yeah
Rage [RAOS]: totally
Rage [RAOS]: that would be hilarious

Brak [RAOS]: but do we want to do baseball, football, basketball, or soccer

Rage [RAOS]: we should do one each year

Brak [RAOS]: and then a robolympics
Brak [RAOS]: where the medals are the 4-5-6th places.

Rage [RAOS]: lol yeah
Rage [RAOS]: first second and third get dipped in that metal
Rage [RAOS]: so first place robot gets dipped in gold

Brak [RAOS]: we could have the javelin toss and like the ultimate boss is a ballistic missle launcher…
Brak [RAOS]: this sounds hylarious.

Rage [RAOS]: hell yeah
Rage [RAOS]: i just told cindy
Rage [RAOS]: she looked at me like
Rage [RAOS]: well
Rage [RAOS]: like she does all the time

Brak [RAOS]: lol
Brak [RAOS]: ok, so the first game is baseball
Brak [RAOS]: we should have six-8 teams, japan, canada, u.s.a, england, brazil, france, germany, china
Brak [RAOS]: or we do totally american

Rage [RAOS]: hmmmm
Rage [RAOS]: we should do american first
Rage [RAOS]: cause domestic outrage
Rage [RAOS]: then an international expansion pack
Rage [RAOS]: that would be sweet as hell i think

Brak [RAOS]: and have like, the cinncinati servos, the los angeles 0101101
Brak [RAOS]: the Miami Machines
Brak [RAOS]: the new york angrybots

Rage [RAOS]: i could do this forever

Brak [RAOS]: lol

Rage [RAOS]: and so we must
Rage [RAOS]: in warhammer

Brak [RAOS]: yes,

Rage [RAOS] is now playing Warhammer 40,000 Dawn of War II.
Brak [RAOS] is now playing Warhammer 40,000 Dawn of War II.

We here at RAOS take our gaming seriously. If I could only recount to you the insults and harangues I’ve had to put up with for a simple rage quit, or being the douche that picked up the wrong thing at the wrong time to the suffering of my group. Its a sign you play with people who are upper echelon gamers. Or that, yanno, Rage is a dick.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Recently, I’ve been on a dungeon crawler kick. Titan Quest, Sacred 2, I even tried playing this horrible shitty title called Time of Darkness. Take it from a veteran rpg/Diablo player, unless you like punching yourself in the balls with a rusty gauntlet, avoid that POS at all frelling costs.
Now, both Sacred 2 and Titan Quest make a semi-admirable attempt at a Diablo-esque dungeon runner. Titan quest gives you the option of totally stating your character to whatever you like to do in a game such as this. It also has the bonus of using actual places…kinda. I, however, found it really lacking at times. It moves slowly, and the combat is kinda boring. Its not bad, not by any means, but again, i’ve wasted so many hours of my life playing Diablo and its sequel, that if it ain;t up to par with that, fuck it, I’m gunna go sleep with my girlfriend, and have a beer.
Sacred 2, on the other hand, gives us the overplayed character molds with a twist. Being able to pick from three very similar arch-types, who are all very visually appealing, but lacking in any depth what so ever. I will say, as I said to rage when talking about the game, that what sold me is the Robot Anubis with the Lazer gun arm. You can call me a nerd till your teeth rot, but thats just fucking cool. However, in diving into the game you find that its not the hack and slash clone you may have thought it to be at first glance. The map is redonkulusly huge. I shat myself a bit when I saw it, then I cleaned up and began to walk. Now, The idea of having mounts is kinda cool, but its really glitchy still, even after a few patch updates, and it has an invisible wall problem that, frankly, makes me want to come after the developers and hobble them with a meat tenderizer. A small side note, Invisible walls are a console problem, if you can’t figure that crap out, lay down the cards and step away from the table, mr. 5 years ago. Also, for some unintelligible reason, the games creators had the band Blind Guardian do voice overs, and one quest has you recovering their “instruments” so that you can bring them back to playing strength. I, however, wished to the pits below and St. Norris above that I hadn;t becasue I was then forced to sit through a concert performance of the games titular song, Sacred. It may surprise you to find out that I walked away at that point, and fear of losing good taste points has prevented me from going back.
Now, where does the title of this post come from? I’m glad you asked Timmy. While I was on steam perusing titles, I came across a painstakingly cute visual for a game called Torchlight. I watched the trailer and was impressed with what seemed like a diverse, complex game with a hack and slash Crawler thrown into the mix. I did a wee bit o research and found that a few old Diablo people were involved with the game, including the guy that did all the music. It also boasted one of the designers from the game Fate, which was intriguing. I said WTF, and downloaded the demo.
To my great amazement, The game is wonderfully polished, the music is perfect, and diverse to the point of being kinda confusing, at least until you get the hang of it. All the old tricks and treats are there, socketed items, randomly generated dungeons with random atmospheric events, and the inclusion of a metamorphic pet which changes depending on the fish you feed him, who also doubles as this kick ass pack mule with just as many item slots as you have is, frankly, brilliant. Oh, and did I mention that when you get full up of useless kitchy crap cluttering up your inventory, you just send him on his merry way back to town and he sells your shit. For that idea alone, I want to hug somebody at Runic Games.
The other gleaming gem of info that just tickles my fancy, is the announcement from the developer that soon they shall release the design tools they made the game with. Did you get that, Timmy. MODABLE CONTENT IS GOD. Throw in some interesting classes and a seriously inspired weapon and armor system, and you got yourself a game that will eat away at my time like a meth habit eats away at a junkies soul.
The only downside so far is the animation. The graphics are pretty, but only if you like the kinda cutesy, WoW-esque style. It doesn;t bother me, but I know it would bother some other players. Thats about it really. Thats the only bad thing I can really say so far. Needless to point out, if your an old hat at the dungeon runner genre, you might want to go for the Hard setting right from the get go.
I will say, thus far, I’m really enjoying the hell out of this game. Also, just from a fan standpoint, if the guys over at Blizzard don;t take a direct cue from this game in a crap load of areas, they are doomed to be the fan fav, while a cuter game with ingenuity takes the prize.

Remember Timmy, Only you can prevent developers from rape and pillage of your hard earned cash by calling a turd a turd, and a diamond in the rough, well, shiny.

I would give Torchlight a 9/10. Sacred 2 a 6/10, but minus 5 for the Folk Metal, and Titan Quest earns a 6.5/10.

Alright, now go play something, you bother me like having the hershey squirts in church.

~Brak

I’ve been picked up to write for Chicks With Guns Magazine, as a Features Editor, so it’s been a little hectic trying to do that, and still run my online store, and still make time to socialize, and blog. So juggling my life has been really fucking fun lately. And for once I’m not being sarcastic. It’s pretty badass being this busy all the time.

In the meantime you should check out some of my other work over at Chicks With Guns.

http://chickswithguns.blogspot.com/

That’s all for now, because I have more shit to write. Awesome. Though I promise I will update with something vaguely hilarious sometime soon. I might go out and take a shit ton of pictures this week, if only because I haven’t in a very long time, and when I usually do it… it’s hilarious.

Steve

Lucasarts. Once a powerful force in the gaming industry. Now, a sad bastion of its former glory, it releases games like disney releases movies. I remember hours upon hours of my life spent flying an adrenaline fueled flight path of destruction in an X-wing. I recall with distinct glee the first time I went through Day of the Tenticle, laughing and furious with whatever it was that I needed to accomplish in the room.

Its also sad to know that this powerhouse of creative genius that gave us the star wars movies is now only content to focus on rehashing ground that has already been covered. I was particularly saddened by the latest Indiana Jones film. It was a glaring poke in the eye to the American cinematic version of Alan Quartermain, and what is Lucas’es attachment to furry little assholes chuckin rocks at people with guns? In retrospect, I have to admit that Shia LeBeouf is a complete tool, and should be stripped bear and keel hauled.

I played the wii version of the Indiana Jones video game, The Staff of Kings. It was on a scale of one to ten, a beverage coaster at best. It honestly played like an N64 game with updated graphics. I also kinda wonder when video games are gunna stop portraying the chinese as shifty, slant eyed thugs and villains. They’ve become a major power here folks, at least they deserve a megalomaniacal super villain, or like a plucky hero that eats lots of rice or something.

I am sad to say, that soon i expect some new form of rehashed bullshit, like Force Unleashed, to be gracing game store shelves. It shall be made, and marketed. Thousands of hours of peoples time will go into it, hard work and sacrifice made by the employees of LucasArts. You know what will happen? Instead of the consumer public making a stand to send George Lucas a message that this will not be tolerated by a group of loyal fans who still hold out that brief glimmer of hope that he can produce something epic, something worth me calling in sick to work for, they will instead embrace it with minor enthusiasm and a begrudging attachment to its name, and not its content.

And it will be bought. It will be played. it will be panned as yet another failure from the company, and later than anyone who would wish it to be so, it will be forgotten.

brak~@

Most of us like to fancy that we’re all good at a number of things we really truly aren’t. Whether it be a completely overblown sense of pride that compels us to protect the sacred knowledge that we know very little to nothing about the very subject we are trying to convince the other person we’re an expert in, or the fact that we really are just idiots. Something inside of us feels the need to protect our ego, and more than that, feels the need to make up for it by being a complete, and total ass, and professing to be the greatest thing since a Reuben Sandwich.

This is immediately destined for failure of course, if only because it’s already been compared to something infinitely greater. A Reuben Sandwich. But for a far more simplistic reason than that. You probably suck. At just about everything. When you really get down to brass tacks, there are very few of us who even manage to excel at one thing in particular. Most just find themselves occupying any number of basic service level jobs that are about as professionally satisfying as being in a reenactment of a war that hasn’t happened yet.

Then there are the lucky few that find themselves able to extract some type of natural talent that they have, and parlay it into something that makes a contribution to the world around them, and helps keep the lights on.

With all that being said. Why would a magazine hire me to write for them?

Rage [RAOS]

So, I ask all my friends and RAOS brothers, What have video games taught us?

Think about it for a moment. When you were a tiny little bastard in your post nuclear family of individual win, and you were sitting in front of that lonely gray console, what were you learning from the pixelated moron you were plunging headlong into certain multiple deaths? Let me tell you.

1. Women can’t save themselves. Its an impossibility. Unless, they conceal their identities a la Samus.

2. Flamethrowers are always a bad plan. They work for the other guys, but for you, suicide bomber poster child. Fire, itself is a bipolar child, its gunna turn on you the second that kudos wrapper comes off and the chocolatey goodness is visible.

3. Mini-bosses always have a pattern. IRL bosses have one too. Though the solutions are generally not cross format. I may be able to get a Dodongo to swallow a bomb, and then slice open their face, but my manager tends to take that crap too personally. Besides, its a rare micro-managing man-pleaser that can down a black powder pipe bomb in one go. Especially if its lit. That’s talent.

4. Up, Down, Left, Right are the directions on a compass. That north south east west crap is for cartographers and failures.

5. If your standing behind me, DON;T POINT AT THE GOD DAMN SCREEN, DO I LOOK LIKE I GOT PEEPERS IN THE BACK OF MY SKULL.

6. Know where the exits are. I’m going to extend my description of this one to explain.  Video games were the source of our generations ability to tactically plan.  If you     pick up The Art Of War by Sun Tze, you’d have a general idea of tactics. I don’t know how many people will have perused  that one up for a casual read, I do know however, that most people have played Halo or some  other FPS. Taking on a group of assholes from the high ground, or pulling off a pincer to PWN, is a perfect example of applied tactics. So, is having an emergency exit strategy, be it social or logistical. You just remember when your in an awkward situation and you decide to bail, that if you had mentally marked the exits when you got there, you would’nt be chatting with the 400 pound living pork roast now talking your ear off about The Hoard.

7. Blowing things up is universally fun.

8. Throwing nothing but fireballs may win the fight, but it does nothing for your dignity. Kinda like sleeping with a friends sister may get you laid, but in the end hurts your  chances of not getting the shit kicked out of you.

9. Sewers are made by programmers who hated you from birth. Certain sewer levels are a model for the federal system. They wern’t  made to facilitate anything really, they were created to be so tedious and inane, that you eventually lose interest and go do something else. Like Patricide.

10. No matter how many times you may be told “cheaters never prosper”, you know this to be fundamentally unsound. I know that if I had a realityshark, the gameshark for life, I’d be rich, have moon jump, and women would speak my name and instantly cream their jeans. RealityGenie, the cheaper version, is also available, but rumor has it God intends to sue.

This was part one in a  whenever the hell i care to write more part series. Stay tuned for follow ups.

Brak~@